Mixed Signals

It suddenly occurred to me this afternoon that Alyssa had a doctor appointment this afternoon. Can’t believe I forgot. Oh I know, so maybe it’s not particularly shocking to learn that I forgot something. I’m not exactly known for being extremely organized and on top of things but I’m usually pretty good about appointments. (Really, there’s no need to rub it in my face that I talked about missing a hair appointment on this very blog. Do you think I don’t know this? I don’t have to come here, you know… and yes, it's kind of surprising that I remember to, isn't it?)

Okay, so anyway brief detour into panic mode while I tried to figure out how I was going to get us to the doctor’s office on time. I looked around and realized we were actually in pretty good shape all things considered. Usually by this point of the day somebody has either bathed themselves in some random sticky substance or rolled in the dirt, often both. So the fact that all of us were dressed and clean was slightly miraculous by my standards. I even managed to locate my purse, my keys, Alyssa’s immunization card and matching shoes for all of us. Who says I’m not organized? Oh right, me.

So by this point in the story I was actually feeling slightly competent and even rather calm. I went to the bathroom to brush my hair and as I did, I looked around and wondered…where’s my lipstick? I swear it was right here… where did I put that lipstick?

Of course that’s when I heard Amanda screech, “Mommeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, come see what Alyssa did!!!” It was right about here that the whole competent/relaxed feeling completely drained from my body as I ran to see.

Yep. Guess who found my lipstick?

See those two little lipstick-covered hands? By this point they’d already been all over Amanda who had bravely wrestled the lipstick from her little sister with little consideration for her own safety or cleanliness... And as I tried to clean her up those same little hands got all over me.

(You’d think I’d know better considering we had a similar scene last Saturday right before my mother-in-law arrived except on that day instead of lipstick Alyssa opted to cover herself in the dark brown paint her dad was using to paint the trim on the shed. And on that day I opted to forego the photo shoot. Sorry.)

So after I got us all cleaned up and into clean clothes, we managed to make it to the doctor’s with a few minutes to spare. I decided it could have been a whole lot worse. When Amanda pulled the lipstick routine a few years back, she used one of those long-lasting lipsticks and it took days for it to wear off of her eyelids.

Perhaps you're wondering what I have learned from this little drama? Not a thing.

What has Alyssa learned from this little drama? That Mommy sure does send some mixed signals. I can only imagine that if Alyssa had an instruction manual, the following rules would be in there somewhere:

• Find a way to get my hands on something I've been told not to touch.
• Apply liberally to self/clothing/walls/carpet/furniture.
• Feel overwhelming sense of glee & satisfaction.
• Wait for Mommy to discover how brilliant and cute I am.
• When Mommy arrives there may be strong signs of displeasure and distress, and a lot of "No, no, no's" being tossed around. Wait patiently.
• Smile sweetly when Mommy whips out the camera to record how brilliant and cute I am.
• Repeat often.

This post is for Courtney

I'll be posting a few more photos soon, but as soon as I saw the photo below I knew I had to post it for my niece, Courtney.

She noticed Alyssa's talent way back when and here she is once again, as Court called her, the amazing Tongue-Rolling Child-Prodigy!

Sprinkler Fun (for some)

I sometimes tell myself that scrapbooking helps me to be a better parent. In the face of minor catastrophes like chocolate syrup all over the carpet or crayon on the walls, some parents take deep calming breaths. I take pictures. (Often deep breaths too.)

But if I'm going to give my scrapbooking habit credit for making me more patient, I figure I need to admit that it also makes for some less than stellar parental moments... like when Scott was fixing the sprinklers on Sunday and Alyssa ran in and then realized it was a really bad idea and just stood there, horrified as the sprinklers sprayed her again and again.

Did I run to her rescue? Yes. But first I ran for the camera. Oh come on, it's not like she was trapped under a piece of furniture. It was just a little cold water on a very warm spring day.

To prove that she survived the trauma completely unscathed, here's a pic I took of Alyssa a few minutes later, minus the wet clothes and with the addition of a swim diaper. And one of Amanda actually enjoying herself in the very same sprinklers.

Yosemite

I know I said I’d do a separate post about Scott's new job but since I’m leery about sharing too much personal info on the web (well other than the personal info that nobody wants to hear about) I 've realized I shouldn't mention what company he’s working for or where the company is or even what he’s doing for them (that last one is only because he’s not exactly sure what he’s doing for them yet). Anyway the main thing is that he’s finally working! The company is nearby so he has an extremely short commute. And after being off for so long, he seems to be getting back into the swing of things and is enjoying it so far. I probably don't have to tell you that I'm thrilled to be returning to life as usual.

The day he got the job he said, “We might as well sell the van. We’ll never use it again.” If I ever wonder where Amanda got her flair for the dramatic I think we have our answer right there. So before he returned to work we took one last camping trip. At least that’s what Scott kept calling it.

We went to Yosemite which was amazingly beautiful, as always, but to be perfectly honest, we didn't always take the time to enjoy the scenery as much as I would like. I remember talking to a park ranger once who said there are two types of tourists: the kind that stops and immerses himself in his surroundings and really takes it all in and the kind who stops only long enough to take a few photos so he can say, “I was here.”

I’d like to think we lean more toward the first kind of tourist but these days we have to make a decision about whether dragging two kids out and then back into their carseats and the possible drama that goes with it is worthwhile. Definitely can’t totally blame it on having kids because I remember taking a long road trip with Scott many years ago when not stopping the car for spectacular scenery became a running joke. We would say things like, “Look! It’s Hoover Dam! You can see everything you need to see if you will quickly turn your head and look out the back window of the car. Oh, too bad. You missed it.”

So here, in no particular order are a few highlights from our Yosemite trip (aka our last camping trip ever):

• Stopping on the side of the road so Amanda could play in a bit of snow! She said she was making ice cream for the animals.
• Amanda thrilled to discover a fallen tree making a bridge across a ditch behind our campsite spent much of her time practicing her “tightrope walk”.
• Alyssa throwing herself into a mud puddle about 10 minutes after I changed her into a clean outfit.
• Lunch at the top of Vernal Falls, enjoying every little thing after that LONG hike: the food, sitting, shade, the amazing view, taking a break at last.
• Amanda narrating in great detail, for all to hear, everything that went on each time we used the restroom. Asking whether I planned to poop or pee and announcing, “Look! I did a small poop like a jelly bean!”
• Scott discovering after repeated tries that the charcoal would not light and sending me off in search of something flammable. Yes, the bug spray saved dinner! And in case you’re wondering, there’s a very subtle difference between mesquite flavor and mosquito spray flavor.
• Scott looking in the rear view mirror and reporting, as I was changing CDs, that Alyssa was sound asleep. Then as the music started, looking back to see her whip her eyes open and start dancing in her car seat.
• Amanda after complaining much of the way to Vernal Falls, “I’m tired and hungry and I just want to be back at the van!” seeming almost as unhappy on the way back because she was having so much fun she didn’t want to leave.
• Scott offering his impressions on the beautiful Mirror Lake (he and Amanda biked there on our first night): “Small and uh… yeah pretty, I guess. People swim in it in the summer.”
• Amanda after falling down the fourth or fifth time on our hike: “I sure have banged up this knee a lot. It’s good that I have another one!”
• Watching the sun set on Half Dome while being serenaded by a bag-pipe player.
• Laying in the pitch-black darkness between the girls, trying to get them to sleep. Complete silence for a long time. And then from out of nowhere a loud giggle from Alyssa followed by a louder giggle from Amanda followed by the entire van shaking with laughter. Guess the joke was on me. I really thought they were asleep!
• The sad moment we discovered that the fudgesicles Grandpa sent with us had melted before we could eat them.
• Alyssa waking us all up at 7:30 by saying loudly, “DA?” and then going right back to sleep.
• Managing to get camp packed up by 9:59am with a minute to spare before check-out time. A personal best.
• Amanda, when asked how many waterfalls we saw this trip: “One, two, three, four… I don’t know. I was asleep a lot.”
• “Woopty-woos” – Scott’s term for those stretches of road that make your tummy feel funny as if it’s suspended in air for a second before it drops down with the rest of your body.
• Upon seeing the breathtaking Yosemite Falls… Me: “Wow Amanda, isn’t it beautiful!?!” Amanda: “Yeah, it’s pretty. Can we go now?”
  

You have a what stuck where?

The big news at our house is that Scott got a new job. He started Monday. Yay!!! But I’ll write more about that in another post. I’m here now to tell you about what happened at home while Scott was busy at his first day of work.

I was folding laundry or eating bon-bons or whatever it is we stay-at-home moms do all day when Amanda came running to me crying, saying that Alyssa had crammed a rock up her nose. Way up her nose. Amanda's nose, that is. She was crying hysterically and I was thinking great, Scott's gone one day and I'm gonna have to go to the emergency room.

Well not that we'd actually have to go to the emergency room, being a weekday and all, I guess our pediatrician could have gotten us in but I wasn't thinking logically... because I was in high-drama mode and trying to determine if a rock crammed up your nose constitutes an emergency. I mean the daughter of a friend had a bean stuck up her nose for ages. And aside from bad breath and some nasty drainage she was just fine. But back to Amanda, this was no bean, it was a rock and if she sucked in too hard it might go flying and smack the side of her brain or something. There was some speculation about how big the rock was and did she really just stand there helplessly while Alyssa slowly took aim and jammed the thing as far as she could up her nose?

So anyway, mostly I was just trying to remain calm and keep her calm because that's what good parents are supposed to do right? Besides, when she cried, she did that snot-sucking thing that was just a brain-injury waiting to happen. So of course I tried to get her to blow it out. She tried and tried but it just would not come out. Oh and it turns out this wasn't just any rock; it was Rilie's rock. Rilie is her new best friend next door. And every single time Rilie leaves one of her toys here something bad happens to it, so this just added to Amanda's trauma.

Eventually we located a flashlight and I'm happy to report that I could see the rock... and like an idiot I said, “No biggie, I'll just pull it out with tweezers.” From her reaction I could tell I might as well have said, "I'll just go get a really big knife and... " At our house, Splinter + Scott + Tweezers = Scary. She started doing that really hysterical cry again and as I'm trying to soothe her, Alyssa walks up and just smacks Amanda in the head. You've seen those movies where some lady is hysterical and then someone slaps them across the face and suddenly they're fine? Well I now know that it works. Amanda stopped crying for long enough to get really ticked off and yell. "Alyssa hit me!!! She HIT ME... "

So anyway, before trying the tweezers, I googled the problem... can't remember exactly what words I used but it took a few tries: “object stuck in nose,” “item jammed in nostril,” “how to remove rock from nasal cavity,” before I came up with something called the KISS technique... in which I would hold closed the nostril that did not hold the foreign object and blow into Amanda’s mouth and hopefully that would create enough pressure to push the rock out.

This made me laugh because I once dated a guy who actually used this as a kissing technique. Clearly he'd gotten some misinformation. Probably read some medical journal on the KISS technique and got badly confused.

Just picturing the whole scenario got me laughing and as I tried to explain it to Amanda she started laughing and would go back and forth between laughing and crying. She's at the age where she understands the power of an injury and knows enough to milk it until she gets cookies or ice cream or something. So she knew she must continue to cry but I couldn't stop laughing and that made her laugh and eventually Amanda laughed so hard the rock shot right out of her nose.

Of course that was a huge relief. But then I had this rock. This smooth tan rock... bigger than a pea, smaller than El Capitan... and after washing it I set it aside and tried to determine what I was supposed to do with it, you know, after showing it to Scott. It seemed like one of those weird things I was supposed to keep. And for a moment I imagined us in one of those sappy Hallmark commercial kind of moments with Amanda at around age 13 rummaging through my jewelry box and saying, "Mom what's all this stuff?" And me saying with a dreamy faraway look on my face, “Oh, Sweetie, those are your baby teeth and a lock of your hair and that's your appendix, and ewww I have no idea what that thing is, but that's the rock your sister crammed up your nose when you were four. Gosh it seems like it was just yesterday..." Then music would come out of nowhere and we'd hug.

So I'm sure you can imagine how upset I was when Rilie came over and announced she wanted her rock back. “Really? Do you know where that thing has been? It was UP HER NOSE. Ick... Eww. You don't really want it, do you?” She said, "I can wash it." Fine then. Take your icky rock.

Oh and later I said to Amanda, "So tell me the truth, did Alyssa put that rock in your nose or did you?" She started laughing and said, "I did. I was just being silly." I said, "Yeah, I figured." She asked, “How did you know?” and I said, "Well umm... when I was around your age I stuck a nickel up my nose. And I'm pretty sure I blamed it on my brother."

I figured that would be our little secret but of course now she's telling everyone that "Me and Mommy put stuff up our noses." So two can play at that game and that’s why I’m telling you this little story. It’s true: me and Amanda put stuff up our noses. It’s one of those you have to try, but only once. At least that's what I thought until I asked Amanda to pose for the picture above and she asked, "Do you want me to put it back in my nose?"