Not yet

I guess I need to face the truth: I’m not ready for a big kid bed yet. When it was time to part with the crib I thought I was so lucky because I wouldn’t have to deal with the “end of the crib era” trauma that most parents do. As babies (and often still today), Amanda and Alyssa slept with me so they didn’t spend that much time in the crib, other than for naps or the occasional nights when Scott insisted we try the crib. So I wasn’t that attached to the crib as a symbol of their baby-dom.

Amanda has only slept in the top bunk once since we got the loft bed. And though she seemed perfectly happy up there, she hasn’t been anxious to do it again. Scott tries to talk her into sleeping up there every night and for some reason it makes me a little nuts. He’s very melodramatic and does this oh fine then if you don’t want to sleep up there I guess we’ll take the bed back thing. I get a little gleeful even though I know he doesn’t mean it. I don’t understand why he’s pushing it. I don’t get what the rush is. Am I the only one who thinks she’s too little to be sleeping on the top bunk? What’s the hurry?

The second night we had the loft bed Amanda told Scott she didn’t want to sleep up there because she wanted to cuddle with Mommy. So she climbed into her old bed and I laid down next to her and then Alyssa jumped aboard and carefully wedged herself between us like she always does, saying, “MY mommy!” and then we read a couple chapters of Stuart Little until Amanda’s breathing slowed and I thought she was asleep and Alyssa was too but I kept reading for another few pages until I could be sure.

And then I laid there thinking this is it. This is what I’m not ready to give up yet. It’s this kind of stuff that you don’t really notice you’re missing until it’s gone. Like the pacifiers that hang around in the drawer and you suddenly wonder when did Alyssa give those up? Or the stuffed giraffe you find at the bottom of the toy box, the one that Amanda, at one time, couldn’t sleep without. When did she stop needing Giraffe?

I’m so careful about noticing and recording the firsts: first tooth, first words, first steps, but it’s the lasts that I’m afraid will escape my notice and it’s the lasts I think I’ll end up really missing. Someday I’ll wonder when was the last time they ran to me so I could magically kiss their boo-boos away or when was the last time I rocked them to sleep? The idea that those last times could just slip away from me without even being noticed, let alone treasured, makes me sad.

I closed Stuart Little and slowly, quietly, picked up Alyssa and turned to tip-toe out of the bedroom, when Amanda’s eyes popped wide open and she said, “Kiss?” I kissed her goodnight and she rolled over to go back to sleep and that's when I knew for sure that I’m not ready to have her up on the top bunk where it will be tough to even hug her goodnight, let alone snuggle next to her while reading her a goodnight story.

Could somebody please explain to my husband that I’m just not ready for a big girl bed yet?