Can birth control make you crazy?

I would have thought it was just me but Scott skipped - blammo - right over the postpartum insanity question and asked me if maybe the birth control was messing with me. I am apparently behaving like a psycho lunatic. I'm not sure if those are my words or his. But unfortunately they seem fitting either way.

Really, besides asking dumb questions, he's trying to be so sweet too. It being our anniversary today, well yesterday... at several points I just wanted to say, no actually yell... can't you just act like a jerk so I don't have to feel guilty for acting like a psycho lunatic?

So I did just go on birth control as of Thursday... this thing called a NuvaRing... The doctor had three options for me since I'm breastfeeding... one was the progesterone-only pill... none of the benefits of estrogen, safest for the baby... but for that one it was critical that it be taken not only every day but at the same time each day. I immediately crossed that option off my list. I often forget to eat these days. Did I shower today? I think so, but this pill is not for me.

Option two, another pill but with some estrogen... still gotta take the pill at roughly the same time each day.

Or option three, the NuvaRing - this plastic ring that sits in your vagina and slowly releases a low dose of hormones into your system... has some estrogen but less than option two AND I only have to think about it once a month. Well not that I don't think about it. Actually every time I have to sneeze I wonder if it will go flying across the room... but umm, other than that...Oh...and get this, you know the 3 weeks on, 1 week off for your period routine for the pill? The doctor said I could do it the same way with the ring... or I can just leave it in for 4 weeks and then put in a new one... cuz who needs a freakin' period anyway? So hmm... lemme think... try to remember to take a pill every day and get a period every three weeks or only think about this ring thing once a month and no period. Hmmm... tough choice. It's really a great alternative.

Unless it happens to be the thing that's making me crazy. Or is it the fact that going on birth control is forcing me to deal with the fact that Alyssa is probably my last baby... is that what's making me crazy?

Or it could be that Scott is on vacation for the next two weeks... so as of Friday he entered the "vacation zone" or something like that. Welcome to my personal hell. So let me get this straight... you actually think you're gonna get three meals a day? And sex too? I don't care that I'm on birth control now and that you would like to find out if you're one of the 8 out of 10 men who does not even notice the ring or one of the 2 out of 10 who aren't bothered by it if they do notice. I just changed the sixth poopy diaper of the day, Alyssa cries every time I put her down, I feel like I haven't bathed since Easter and I don't care that you're on vacation and need a break.

Yesterday he played golf all day, then went out for drinks with his buddies while I was at home doing about fifty loads of laundry with one arm because - did I mention that Alyssa cries every time I put her down? And that's not the norm for her... just since she's been on birth control, or since I have... or since her mother who, normally pretty calm though scattered, has suddenly turned into a psycho lunatic.

Or is it all the crying that has made me crazy?

Oh but where I was going with the laundry thing is that I was trying to get ready for our trip to my mother-in-law's house. And dreading that little trip with every unbathed inch of my body. No, I think I showered yesterday. Did I? I was not looking forward to going to my mother-in-law's. And that had absolutely nothing to do with my mother-in-law. I love her, I do. But just the thought of leaving home for several days. I mean even just the thought of packing all that stuff just almost flattened me... just overwhelmed me... I always just WAY overpack when I do stuff with his family because I imagine my mother-in-law's voice in my head... Oh it's okay that you didn't bring the matching lavender socks. Oh. You forgot to bring pajamas? Oh. Don't worry. I'll go buy diapers. I guess you FORGOT.

And no, my mother-in-law is not like that. Not at all. I adore her, I do. And no, I don't think I've forgotten anything ever. Not since that time when Amanda was about 4 months old and I felt like the worst mother on the planet because I hadn't packed baby powder and apparently my baby desperately NEEDED baby powder for the little rash she had on her neck because she was such a roly-poly baby and had all those little rolls on her fat little neck. And me, without baby powder. Never mind that I had previously made the decision not to use baby powder on my baby ever because they say it's unnecessary and can be very dangerous since babies can inhale the stuff. I still felt really guilty about not having it.

Note to self: in the future pack everything that you might possibly use as well as everything that you would never even consider using... because your mother-in-law may ask for it. Oh and guess what? They now sell baby powder in liquid form... So you can give your baby that fresh baby smell without, you know, endangering her life.

So was it the impending trip to my mother-in-law's -- and the intense feelings of dread that went with it -- that made me crazy?

Or is it that after I packed 57 outfits apiece for both Amanda and Alyssa... you know just in case, because it could snow or there might be a hot streak... that I realized that I had pretty much nothing to pack for myself. What on earth was I thinking when I got rid of all my fat clothes? I'm pretty much living in sweats these days. And one pair of my old jeans... which I can deal with for an hour or two at a time and then I need my circulation back. And they actually only fit because they're the low-rise kind... and my jelly-like belly just hangs nicely over the top. Yeah, now that's a pretty picture, just trust me. Thank goodness it's winter and I can get away with wearing a long jacket... But anyway, barring maternity clothes or sweats, I had nothing to pack. Oh and my hair is so overdue for a cut that I could probably be declared legally blind because my bangs are in my eyes constantly. Oh and I just totally stood up my hairdresser because I'm an idiot.

After my doctor appointment on Thursday, if I'd had a brain, I was supposed to come home, feed Alyssa and then head out a couple hours later for my haircut appointment. Except that I arrived home to Alyssa screaming at the top of her lungs while I tried to unload a trunkful of groceries because Scott and Amanda were playing this really fun joke where they pretended to be asleep...but of course Amanda just talked and talked because pretending to sleep involves a lot of questions... but they did manage to ignore both Alyssa's screaming and me with a trunkful of perishables. And then Scott lectured me because Alyssa had a blowout in her diaper and he was just sure that she'd had it before I left but that I'd chosen to run off on my merry way so he could deal with it. Trust me, I did not. Not that I'm above doing it in the future, but this time I DID NOT.

He was not only upset that he had to deal with the messy diaper but he also doesn't know where I keep her clothes (2nd drawer from the bottom) so he - poor baby - had to find them all by himself. This, apparently, was almost as bad as when he has to operate the sippy cups on his own. So anyway... between trying to console an hysterical baby, arguing with my husband and then finally discussing the joys of the ring. I totally, completely forgot all about my hair appointment. It was almost two hours after I'd missed it that it finally crossed my mind.

So is it that I'm fat and my hair looks like crap and that I've probably really pissed off the only woman who can give me a decent haircut... is that what has made me crazy?

Or is it that I'm not getting any sleep because I either lay around watching my baby sleep or stay up writing long rambling emails? Is that what has made me crazy?

Or is it postpartum depression? I know, Tom Cruise would suggest vitamins and exercise. But I swear I was just fine before. Before I went on birth control and Scott went on vacation. Before Alyssa started in with the crying jags and I started dreading the trip to my mother-in-law's and before I started focusing on the fact that I'm fat and have nothing to wear and I've pissed off my hairdresser. I really think that before that I was doing pretty good.

Oh! And guess what... we're not going to my mother-in-law's now. I'm sure I've completely pissed her off now too. Add that to the list. But I know I was crazy before that because when Scott and I were arguing about who was going to call her to tell her we weren't coming he threatened to tell her that we weren't coming because I was going through some stuff and was acting like a psycho lunatic. I told him that sounded like just about as good a reason as any and handed him the phone.