Six years, already?

I wrote this for Scott several months ago before my birthday. I guess he shared it with a couple of friends and he tells me that it is now circulating on email. He says people want to know if he actually did these things. Well I'm here to confirm...umm, yes! (You can't make this stuff up.) And I love him anyway. So in honor of our wedding anniversary, I'm sharing:

SCOTT'S SIMPLE GUIDE TO BIRTHDAYS, HOLIDAYS AND ANNIVERSARIES
(Or How Not To Screw Up The Days That I Will Remember
For The Rest Of My Life. Yes, My Memory is Really THAT Long )
First Edition July '05

Like it or not, birthdays and holidays are important to me. Maybe it's hard for you to understand because they don't mean much to you, but in my mind these days are supposed to be special. Birthdays are important to me. Blowjobs are important to you. Get my point?

I know these days stress you out because you think I'm totally impossible to please so I've put together this list of DO's and DON'Ts to help you out. Please note that nearly every one of the DON'Ts is based on an actual past birthday/holiday experience with you. You may have forgotten some of these special moments, but I just can't! Most of them are included only for the purposes of humor so don't think I'm trying to be bitchy. A few of them are included just because I'm being bitchy. What can I say? I've been told I'm always a bitch on my birthday and tomorrow is my birthday so deal with it.

GENERAL TIPS:

DO just be nice to me. Small gestures go a long way. Bring me a cup of coffee. Do the dishes or change a diaper or two so I don't have to.

DO NOT tell me I'm moody; DO NOT tell me I'm grumpy. DO NOT tell me that I am always a bitch on my birthday. I don't care if you think it's true. I don't even care if it actually IS true. DO NOT say it ever, ever again.

DO NOT act so damn surprised that I don't want to spend my birthday weekend at your mother's house even though they have two tee-times set up and one of your golf games will be free. It is MY birthday. It is not YOUR birthday.

DO get me some kind of dessert on my birthday. Put candles in it and sing Happy Birthday. This may seem silly to you, but it's important to me. I'm not asking you to bake me a cake, just get me some kind of dessert and at least one candle. If you want to score really big points, mudd pie is a good choice, and apple pie (especially French apple pie from Baker's Square) is a sentimental favorite.

DO NOT tell me that you don't have to do anything for me for Mother's Day because I am not your mother. I am the mother of your children, Sweetie, and like it or not you need to treat me like Queen for a Day.

DO NOT take me to see your ex-wife on my birthday even if we are in the neighborhood and you haven't seen her in a long time. Especially if I have told you in no uncertain terms that I do not want to go see your ex-wife. Do not call her when I'm out of hearing distance and then insist we HAVE to go see your ex-wife because she really wants us to stop by and you don't want to hurt her feelings. Trust me, your current wife's feelings are ALWAYS more important than your ex-wife's feelings. This is especially true on her birthday, especially if she is seven months pregnant with your baby.

DO NOT insist that everything I ask for on my birthday is secret code for something else. I figured out a long, long time ago that you do not pick up on subtle hints or even completely obvious ones. I do not expect you to read my mind. If I say I want pizza it means I want pizza. I am not testing you. I am not secretly hoping you will take me out for a six-course meal. Just get me a damn pizza. (And while we are here, DO NOT try to talk me into a cheaper brand of pizza, DO NOT ask me to find a coupon for the pizza, and DO NOT ask me to go pick up the pizza myself.)

DO NOT expect me to make all the plans. I HATE making plans; it's like punishment to me. You can ask me what I want to do. You can come up with a few ideas and ask me to choose the one I want (i.e. "I'll get a babysitter and we can go out for dinner and a movie OR I'll watch the kid(s) for a few hours while you go out shopping OR we could go camping at Lake Winnie-PoohPooh), but don't just say, "We can do whatever you want, you figure it out." I hate that.

DO NOT make me do some crummy chore on any holiday or birthday (i.e. making me pick rocks out of the dirt on Mother's Day while you entertain Brian and his kids who are hanging out at our house because his wife's gift was a fabulous massage chair and a day to herself.)


CARDS AND GIFTS:

A gift is not required (it's nice, it's very appreciated, it earns you major points in the good husband department, but it isn't required). But DO get me a card. No excuses. You can make it with a broken crayon and a piece of toilet paper if you have to.

DO NOT proudly announce that while chatting with the guys at work about what they were all doing for their wives for Mother's Day that you told them you know me really well and that cards are not important to me (especially DO NOT make this announcement while I'm knee-deep in cardstock because I'm hand making Mother's Day cards for our mothers and your grandmothers specifically because I think cards are important). DO NOT then go on to say that you told them you know what I would really like is for you to give me money to go shopping while you stay home and watch Amanda (which I really would love) if you do not intend to follow through with that offer but instead plan to make me spend Mother's Day picking rocks out of the dirt while you entertain Brian and his kids.

Again, gifts are not required but if you decide to get me a gift:

DO NOT tell me that the most recent home improvement project is my gift (i.e. don't tell me on Valentine's Day that the bathroom that we had to redo because the floor was rotting out is my Valentine's gift. And don't tell me on Mother's Day that the backyard is my gift. I'm not stupid. We were going to redo the backyard anyway. Though I do appreciate the work you put into home improvement projects, let's not pretend these projects are special gifts just for me.)

You DO NOT have to buy me flowers but if you do, please DO NOT complain about how much they cost or whine about how they are going to die soon. (What I will actually hear is, "Man, I just wasted a whole bunch of money on you and I totally regret it.")

DO NOT choose my gift based on someone else's preferences but if you do, please DO NOT tell me that's how you chose the gift (i.e. DO NOT hand me the blue sweatshirt and explain to me that you know I hate the color blue and you know I would much rather have had the purple one, but the girl in the shop's favorite color was blue and she was really cute!)

DO NOT feel the need to explain to me that all of my stocking stuffer gifts were freebies you got from work.

DO NOT get me a gift that I have never expressed any interest in whatsoever (i.e. don't spend a whole lot of time debating between the bicycle or the golf clubs. I do not want either one. But if you do decide to give me the bicycle, DO NOT feel the need to throw in a pair of bike shorts with a CONTROL TOP tummy panel. And while I'm at it, let me just say DO NOT buy me any piece of clothing, beauty product, exercise item or surgical procedure that is meant to improve my figure flaws unless I have specifically begged for it many, many times. It will take many times because you should refuse my first two hundred requests on the basis that "Sweetie, you don't need that turbo girdle/treadmill/boob lift because you are perfect just the way you are!")

DO give me a gift early (i.e. This camera is for your birthday next month) but DO NOT announce on my birthday that something I got months ago is actually my birthday gift (i.e. yeah the printer we bought in April WAS your birthday gift.)

DO NOT let your ex-wife pick out my gift. I don't care if those dresses came from Paris and cost an outrageous amount of money. They were BUTT-UGLY and I will always assume that she was laughing her ass off when she made those sales, first for Christmas and then seven months later for my birthday.

DO NOT give me a gift that you found in a parking lot but if you do feel the need to present this item as a gift then please, please DO NOT tell me, or at least PLEASE wait until Valentine's Day is over before you feel the need to tell me that the beautiful gold bracelet on my wrist which I've been oohing and ahhing over for ten minutes was actually one that you found at work and turned into Lost and Found, who in a stroke of pure luck/destiny saved you from a trip to 7-11 to buy me a card by calling you on Valentine's Day to say nobody had claimed the bracelet and it was yours!

No, I'm not expecting a gift, but please DO NOT ask the question, "You're not expecting me to get you a gift are you?" (That question never fails to give me warm fuzzies all over.) If you do feel the need to ask that stupid question, and I respond with the usual, "No, but a card would be nice." DO NOT roll your eyes and ask in an exasperated tone, "What? You want me to actually put effort into this?" Umm yeah, DUH. That's the idea, buddy.