Five is the new fifteen

Can I just tell you that I gave birth to the most delightful 5-year-old on the entire planet? No really, I did. Amanda is so wise and funny and adorable. I hate to brag, but she is simply charming and an absolute joy to be around.

Unless you piss her off. Then you need to just clear the room. Duck for cover. Get out of her way as fast as you can because it will not be pretty.

Unfortunately, as the one who gave birth to her, it is my job to piss her off on a very regular basis. No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Yes, you DO have to go to bed now even if you’re not a little bit tired. No, you cannot watch "Desperate Housewives". No you cannot skip dinner and move straight to dessert. No it is not okay to hit your sister even if she just hit you. No we cannot call Grandma again. Her ear needs time to recover from when you almost talked it off an hour ago.

She has mastered the art of the pout, the dramatic sigh, the door-slam, the eye-roll, the smirk, the angry stomp, the guilt trip, the tantrum and the silent treatment. She is also very skilled at achieving shock and indignation over any punishment she receives. She often tries to negotiate the terms of said punishment.

Me: Amanda, time-out now, five minutes.
Amanda: WHAT??? Four minutes!
Me: Six minutes. Go NOW.
Amanda: Five minutes!
Me: I highly recommend you go NOW, Amanda.
Amanda: You are SO mean! (sticks tongue out)
Me: I know. Make that seven minutes.

How does she come up with this stuff? Are there classes offered during Kindergarten recess? I can’t help picturing a group of 5 and 6-year-olds gathered around the swing set brainstorming ideas for how to slowly wear their parents down.

“I know, I know! Ask for what you want while they’re on the phone!”

“Oh! Or cooking dinner.”

“Or trying to get your baby sister to sleep!”

“Yes, good! And how many times do we ask?”

“Once!”

(Looks of pure disdain and lots of eye rolling are aimed at the poor kid who came up with that dumb answer)

“Anybody else?”

“A hundred! No, a BILLION-TRILLION!!!”

(A round of applause for that kid.)

“A BILLION-TRILLION! Yes! That’s the right answer. We keep asking until they give in. We peck away at them slowly, like little tiny birds. We CAN wear them down. We WILL wear them down. We NEVER give up until we reach our goal.

(Applause, high-fives, woo-hooing all over the place.)

“Okay people, get some sleep tonight… we have a big day tomorrow. We’ll be working on whining and back-talk.”

The fact that Amanda is already so good at all this stuff scares the crap out of me. I didn't learn or use some of those techniques until I was at least 12 or 13. When I think about the teenage years I shudder in fear. Sometimes when Amanda is in a time-out I wonder if it would be okay to just hide under the table until she graduates from high school.

But then she gets out of time-out and returns to her normal sweet self and I think, okay, I can do this.