Happy birthday to me

Scott managed to surprise me for my birthday Saturday night. For the record, being surprised by my husband on my birthday is not necessarily a good thing. But this year he arranged for his mom to come down to babysit the girls so we could go out. That alone was surprise enough. Making plans. In advance. Arranging for a babysitter? Really? Yep, I'm still talking about Scott.

So he asked me what I wanted to do and I was vague. I wanted him to make the plans, that's what I wanted. He said he was thinking maybe we would go to the city. Wow. Okay. He hates going to San Francisco. Hates fighting the crowds and the traffic. So I thought he's really going out of his way for me.

So he told me we would leave at five and that I should dress sexy-casual but warmly because it might be cold.

Huh? My husband is giving me fashion instructions? He never does that. And where did he come up with the term SEXY-CASUAL? Do I even own sexy-casual but warm? What is that anyway? Like low-rise sweatpants so my butt-crack shows if I bend over?

I threw on some jeans and a shirt that showed a bit of cleavage and figured that would have to do. He actually made me spin around and said he approved. That alone made me nervous. But I figured we would end up having a nice kid-free dinner and movie and I was ready early. Because I was just itching to get out of there. I was looking forward to an actual date with my husband.

Around five-ish his friend, Brian, shows up. He walks in like he was expected. I flash Scott a weird look and he says, "Yeah, we were gonna head out in a few minutes." Brian says, "Oh no worries I'll get out of your hair in a few minutes. I was in the neighborhood so I decided to swing by. He's a world champion mudslide maker so he made one for each of us and then Scott said, "Hey, I really don't want to drive... Brian, would you drop us off at BART?" Err... okay...

So we jump in the car with Brian and since I'm totally directionally challenged I rarely question anybody else's directions but I knew we weren't going to the closest BART station. I figured maybe he was heading somewhere and wanted us to keep him company and he'd drop us at another station. I really wasn't thinking much about it. But finally Scott asks, "Have you figured out that we're not going to the BART station?" and then, "Hey, did you get a buzz from that mudslide? Do you want to know where we're going?"

Then he says, "We're going to a swinger's club!"

Go ahead. Read it again if you must. I said a SWINGER'S CLUB. And not like swinging a baseball bat or swinging on a big old tire swing hanging from a tree. Because I asked. I'm talking about the kind of swinger's club that people admit to frequenting on the Oprah show only while wearing disguises and having their voices electronically altered. That kind of swinger's club.

And then I was like, "Ha! Very funny. Yeah. That's a good one. But where are we REALLY going?"

But Scott said, "No, really... It'll be fun."

And Brian throws in, "You don't have to participate. You can just watch."

And it goes on like this for quite some time while my head is spinning in pretty much every direction you can imagine and some that you really shouldn't. Both of them continue talking as if going to a swinger's club is just the most ordinary thing in the world.

Brian says he hopes traffic lightens up because you can only get the white wristbands, which indicate you're ONLY WATCHING if you get there before 7:00. "If you get there after 7:00 you'll have to have a red wristband, which means you're PARTICIPATING. But they'll be nice since it's your first time." He goes on to say we should have brought some of those cheapie rain slicker things because, "If you're in one of the front rows you might get wet."

Scott, trying to keep me calm, said it was really no big deal... that he'd been to one of these places before, a long time ago when he was married to Ioana, but she didn't go with him. He said he couldn't remember why she hadn't gone with him and I said, "Well it probably wasn't her birthday."

I kept saying, "I know you guys HAVE TO BE KIDDING." I was doing my best to be a good sport. Then one of them says we should stop for something to eat because they don't have food in the club, only alcohol. Brian says, "Stop me when you see something good... There's a Red Lobster. And there's a Quiznos..."

I think it may have been when we stopped at Safeway for sandwiches that I officially started to freak out. I mean I figured that wherever we were going, at the very least we'd be having a nice dinner. Nothing against Safeway sandwiches... but no seriously...SAFEWAY SANDWICHES?!?

Oh but I always think it's important to be a good sport in these situations... because you never know how these things will turn out. And you don't want to turn into an insane raging bitch right before you discover this was just an elaborate set-up and your husband is actually surprising you with, oh, say a diamond necklace or a trip to Cabo. Then you have to do all that back-tracking and apologizing.

This is why I was such a good sport that time we went to visit Scott's ex-wife on my birthday. And this is why I was such a good sport when I was pregnant with Alyssa and Scott had me down on my hands and knees picking rocks out of the dirt on Mother's Day. Because I just kept believing there had to be a pony hiding under all the crap. Except that we all know by now that when it comes to MY HUSBAND there is occasionally a pony but often there is just a bunch of crap. That birthday was really just a visit with his ex-wife and that Mother's Day was just a day spent yanking rocks out of the dirt.

So it was while we were there at Safeway that I realized I had to face the possibility that my husband might actually have thought taking me to some skanky sex club so that I could watch a bunch of naked middle-aged people get it on while I attempted to choke down a Safeway sandwich was a perfectly wonderful way for me to celebrate my birthday.

I.Was.Nervous. I went to the bathroom and briefly considered making a run for it. Then it popped into my mind that Amanda had almost slipped and told me something. She didn't tell me anything but started to and then said, "Oops... Daddy told me not to tell you 'cause it's a surprise."

Hard as I tried I just couldn't imagine Scott whispering to Amanda, "Daddy's going to take Mommy to a special place where we can watch other mommies and daddies get their freak on! But don't tell Mommy because it's an extra special surprise for her birthday."

So it was at that point that I decided to calm down and just go with it. Because this just HAD TO BE A JOKE. And it was. We ended up at the Colbie Caillat/John Mayer concert at the Shoreline Amphitheatre! I had mentioned to Scott months ago that I would LOVE TO GO. And then I forgot about it and moved on.

It was an awesome concert and we had a great time. Trust me it was even more enjoyable considering where I could have ended up instead. He got me good! So my husband scored lots of points in the thoughtfulness department this year.

Apparently I was too much of a good sport about the swinger's club thing though... so much so that both of the guys decided I was nowhere near as freaked out as they expected me to be... so secretly I must actually want to go. I'm afraid I may be in for a REALLY BIG big surprise next year!