Justice for all

Last week Alyssa told me that they learned the Pledge of Allegiance at school. She recited it for me and did a pretty good job. But when she was done she asked, "Mommy, why do they say Justin is for all?"

Me: Ohhh, actually the word is justice. It's justice for all. Don't worry, Justin is all yours.

I was repeating this story to Amanda later that night and she told me that Alyssa had asked her why it says "Justice for all". She said, "Justice is a store. And I thought it was just for girls!"

Kindergarten is so confusing.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

As long as you don't post it on the internet

Alyssa and I were in the garage when she spotted this frame and started hamming it up. When she asked me to take her picture, of course, I said yes. But when she asked if she could take my picture, I said, "No way, look at me!"

She responded, "Mommy, I just wanna take your picture, I'm not gonna put it on the internet."

That totally cracked me up and I would love to do that thing where I play stupid and say oh I don't know where they come up with these things...except I have to admit that's a phrase that gets tossed around occasionally at our house.

Like just last Friday.

I took Amanda to the dentist for a check-up and the dentist reported that the good news was no cavities! And the bad news is that he wanted to extract three teeth. Three top front teeth. That very day. Remember my last post about how Amanda's first top tooth took so long to come out? Well that's because it's crowded in there. She should have already lost those front teeth but the crowding was making it too hard for them to come out... meanwhile her permanent teeth are ready to come in. (Yes, he also mentioned she's going to need braces! Wheeee!) Amanda is not a big fan of losing teeth. Unlike me, who would have yanked every single one of mine out when I was six if it were possible. So when we got home, her smile sporting three new gaps... she said, "I know you're gonna wanna take a picture Mom, but do NOT post it on your blog!!!"

Who me? I would never do that?!?

Alyssa's comment was funny but it also got me thinking... it's all fun and games when I'm the one doing the blogging but the thought of them posting humiliating photos and stories about me isn't nearly as delightful. Is it too early to talk to a lawyer about that?

And then we could all end up in jail

I was looking for my phone before the girls and I ran to the store. Alyssa asked why I needed it and I explained that I always like to have my phone with me when I'm driving just in case something happens.

Amanda pipes in: I always think something's gonna happen. That's why I always take my jacket everywhere I go... and shoes... and quarters (for quarter machines not phone calls) because you just never know.

Me: You are SO your Grandma N*'s granddaughter!

Amanda: Well you just never know. There could be an accident or we could end up in jail.

Me: Why would we end up in jail?

Amanda: Well I don't know what you're gonna do!

All of my life I've felt like sort of a goody-two-shoes. I've never been in trouble for anything. Never got a speeding ticket. Never even got called to the principal's office. But in the eyes of my 8-year-old, apparently I'm just a wild card. Capable of anything. You better take a jacket and some quarters because at any moment I might choose to steal a car, beat up a police man or rob a bank.

Overheard

Alyssa: "Peter Pan!"

Jaden: "Peed her pants?"

Alyssa: "Peter Pan!"

Jaden: "Peed her panties?"

Alyssa: "PETER PAN!"

Jaden. "Oh! Peed her pants."

One from Amanda

Right after I was whining about not being able to share Amanda quotes, my friend shared one from today. Amanda wasn't around to ban it from the blog. (Insert evil laughter here.)

Tomorrow is baseball day at school. The kids will not only be playing baseball, but they're supposed to wear something baseball-related and bring something baseball-related to share. Do I look like I have any baseball stuff? Nope! So my friend was nice enough to help us out. She tried a baseball cap on her daughter and surprised it still fit, said, "Wow, your head is small." Then she tried it on Amanda and said, "Wow, your head is big!"

Amanda replied, "Yeah, that's 'cause I've got a lot of stuff in there."

Quote of the day

Alyssa, as she climbs the ladder on the loft bed, stops me in my tracks before I can say a word: "I'm bein' careful... even though I don't wanna be."

By the way, if you've noticed a lack of Amanda quotes lately, it's not because she's stopped saying funny stuff. It's just that as soon as I laugh that certain laugh she looks at me and says, "You're not gonna put that on your blog, are you? If you do, no more foot massages for a month!" Thank goodness Alyssa can't read yet.

Quote of the day

Alyssa: "Mommy, help! Come quick! Me and Jaden are in danger!!!"

Me: "What's wrong?"

Alyssa, handing me a Barbie: "I can't get her dress on!"

Me: "I thought you said you and Jaden were in danger."

Alyssa: "We are! We're playing house. That's the living room, that's the bedroom and this (spreading her arms to indicate the area we're standing in), this is danger!"


I'm just guessing we were in the kitchen. The kitchen scares me too.

Hold the crud please...

Alyssa: "Mommy, can I have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich?"

Me: "Sure."

Alyssa: "Please cut the crud off the bread."

Me: "You mean the crust?"

Alyssa: "No, the crud. I don't like crud on my bread."

Me: "Yeah, I'm not crazy about it either."

CPS should be arriving any minute now...

Quote of the day

Alyssa, after talking to my mom on the phone: "Now can we call Grandma Daddy's Mom?"

Me: "Maybe after lunch."

Alyssa: "Can we call Grandma Bea then?"

Me: "Nope, we can't call Grandma Bea because she's in heaven."

Alyssa: "That's okay, I'm sure she has her phone in her purse."

Quotes of the day

Alyssa, after finally locating her jumprope: "Okay people, it's time to get this party started!"

Alyssa: "Does anybody know where Daddy's ipod is? I need to listen to music right now or else Dad will be...(long pause)...Dad."

Alyssa, pointing to the pillow she just placed on my lap: "I'm going to put my head right here, just in case I need it later."

Random Photo Tuesday #2

This one's just Alyssa being cute. Please note the ugly headband which she's wearing in a lot of these photos. She's into headbands these days and this is one of her favorites though for some reason she calls it her "ugly headband".

She says she doesn't actually think it's ugly and as far as I can tell it's not ugly so it makes me giggle when she runs through the house calling, "Has anybody seen my ugly headband?"

Hmm…(with perfectly logical explanation added)

This is the scene I found this morning. And I'm kind of curious about what's going on here. Or maybe I don't really want to know. I'm sure there's a completely innocent explanation like maybe it's just that nightmare where Barbie suddenly realizes she showed up at school naked. Or maybe it's a church service and Eve of "Adam & Eve" fame is the guest speaker but they confiscated her fig leaf at the airport. On second thought, I think it's better if I don't think about it.

Update: So we were on our way home from school today, taking Amanda's friend, Holly, with us. They were planning out their time together, starting with Barbie-time. Holly loves to play Barbies at our house because she says we have the very best Barbie stuff. That's right I finally live at the house with the best Barbie stuff. Not that this is about me.

So Amanda says, "Oh wait 'til I show you what I did...Mom, did Alyssa mess up the Barbies today?"

Me: "Umm, I'm not sure. So what was going on with the Barbies anyway?"

Amanda: "What are you talking about?"

Me: "Well, there was that big line of Barbies and then there was that one Barbie sitting in front of them all... and she was, umm wearing her birthday suit... you know, naked?"

(giggles)

Amanda: "Oh, well she was... she was wearing an imaginary bathing suit."

Me: "Ohhhhhh! Of course she was. I can't believe I didn't notice that. Now I understand."

(Long pause)

Me: "So how come she was the only one wearing her bathing suit in front of all those people?"

(Silence)

Me: "Was she teaching a swim class?"

Amanda: "Yeah, she was."

Me: "Ah, okay. Got it. But umm... If she was teaching a swim class, shouldn't they... oh wait... don't tell me... were they in an imaginary swimming pool?"

Amanda: (clearly horrified) "Mommmmmmm... Can we talk about this later?"

Me: "Oh sure. Later."

If she thinks she's embarassed now, just wait until the next time I take her swimming and I wear my imaginary bathing suit.

Scrapbooking can be hazardous

We narrowly averted some drama on Wednesday. I knew when I made the scrapbook page several years ago that it was risky. I felt like the story should be told though. The whole family knew it already but I wanted it preserved somewhere for historical purposes just in case I got hit by a bus.

I thought maybe I should hide the page away somewhere until Amanda was a bit older because my hope was that she’d be flipping through her books and reading these stories whenever she felt like it and I was already picturing the exact embarassing scenario that almost happened this week.

But knowing how un-sentimental my husband is, if I did actually get hit by a bus, any pages not permanently affixed to the scrapbook would certainly be lost in the Everything Must Go! sale that would be held while the funeral home was still trying to figure out how to disguise the tire marks on my forehead.

So I made the page and put it in her scrapbook and from time to time Amanda pulls the book off the shelf and asks me to read her the stories. I thought I’d only given her the very PG edited version of this particular story, but apparently she knew the specific detail I didn’t want her to know.

So as we were getting ready for school I suddenly remembered, “Oh, today’s your sharing day. Do you have something to share?” They called it show-and-tell when I was a kid, now it’s just “Sharing.” And before they reveal the item they give three clues about it and let their classmates guess what it might be.

Amanda pulled the hot pink stuffed frog out of her backpack to show me and said, “Yeah, I’m taking this and I already know my clues!”

I was only slightly nervous when I said, “Okay, let’s hear ‘em.”

She said, "Okay, 1) It’s pink. 2) It’s really soft. And 3) When I was little I couldn’t say its name right so I really embarrassed my mom in the middle of the store because I yelled out,
“Fok, Fok, FOKKKKKKKKK!!!”

"Umm, we're going to have to rethink that third one. Your principal seems like a nice guy but I don't really want to get a phone call from him today."

Crisis averted this time but there are years worth of opportunities for humiliation ahead of us. I don’t think it would have been as bad as the time the son of a distant relative announced to his classmates during show-and-tell that, “My mommy was wounded in battle!” and then pulled out a pair of his mommy’s bloody panties as evidence.

(In case you missed it, the original fokking story can be found toward the bottom of this post.)

A few quotes

"I don't wanna drink Amanda's water. It has Amanda's spit in it. I want my own water with my own spit in it to drink." - Alyssa

"I thought school was going to be exciting, like a theme park. It wasn't." Amanda, an old one I stumbled across from August 2008

My favorite phone call of the week happened after we repeatedly ignored calls from the same 800 number. Finally Scott answered, putting the call on speaker phone. It went something like this...

Telemarketer: Is Scott T*** available?

Scott: Why yes, I do happen to be available.

Telemarketer: Great, well this is some random person calling from some big credit card company and the purpose of this call is, first of all, to thank you for being such a loyal customer. We also want to let you know that we have noticed a continued rise in the crime of identity theft and we would like to let you know about some of the things we would like to do in order to protect you...

Scott: Okay but how do you know that I really am Scott T***?

Telemarketer: (long pause) Because you said you are.

Scott: Well that would be your first mistake. And I'm supposed to believe you're going to protect me from identity theft?

Telemarketer: Thank you. (CLICK!)

Quote of the day

Today Amanda and Alyssa got into an argument over their Barbies and Amanda reported that Alyssa had hit her twice because she didn't get the Barbie she wanted. I pulled Alyssa aside and said, "Alyssa it is NOT OKAY to hit. If you get angry because you don't get what you want you need to to use your words to tell us what you want. Is there something that you want Alyssa?"

She replied, "Yeah. I want to hit her!"

Question of the day

Amanda would like to know: How do you buy a wallet if you don't have a wallet?

Just another day

Yesterday was the worst day of Amanda's life. First a birthday party at school, complete with frost-it-yourself cupcakes followed by a playdate with Brandon who is the boy Amanda is just friends with but might marry. Then she played with Rilie for a few hours and they had a tea party with real food and apple juice which they managed to enthusiastically spill EVERYWHERE.

That was followed by this sweet and seemingly harmless request to play a board game which actually meant they were going to remove every single these-toys-are-on-the-top-closet-shelf-for-a-reason games, toys and crafts and spread the parts and pieces as far as they could within a three mile radius.

When I went in to check on how the board game was going, Rilie was trying to tear open a baggy of glitter glue with her teeth. She managed to get all the tubes of paint and the petrified clay that smelled like a toxic waste dump open all by herself. "Umm, yeah... Rilie we don't paint on Amanda's bed."

Oh! But I was proud... I'd spent hours cleaning her room this weekend because it was BAD so I was being all MOM with Amanda and Rilie and kept telling them they had to clean up one thing before they started on another. Figured they'd be in there FOREVER.

But a couple of minutes later they reported they were done and started their next project. I thought they must be lying so I went in there and the place was spotless. I checked all the obvious places...under the bed, in the drawers... and then finally found all the stuff crammed haphazardly into the closet behind the loft bed. Definitely not where it was supposed to go. Yet I was proud. Another milestone... Amanda's first time cleaning her room in the sneakiest way possible.

Then Rilie went home and I made Amanda take a bath without her bathing suit because I am the meanest mom in the entire world. That's when it became the worst day of her entire life.

Alyssa insisted on wearing her ballerina dress to pick-up Amanda from school yesterday. I compromised and said yes to the dress and no to the slutty princess shoes which turned out to be a wise decision considering the impromptu playdate that followed Amanda prefers to just call it a "date" as she's getting a bit old for playdates. And because it was with Brandon and any girl would be lucky to have a date with him.

A while ago Amanda and Alyssa were blocking the walkway in my bedroom and after I'd asked about six times for them to move so I could get to the bathroom while they completely ignored me, perhaps because they thought I was talking to someone else, I finally said loudly, "BOTH OF YOU MOVE IT NOW!!!" and then continued to rant about how I expect them to listen when I talk and haven't I told them a billion times not to block the walkway and...

That's when Alyssa looked at me like I was crazy and said, "Mommy why you tabby?" which when translated means, Mommy why are you crabby?" or more likely, "Mommy why are you acting like a crazy lunatic bitch when we were just trying to play Barbies?" I started laughing and then we all did, as we all repeated what became my favorite phrase of the day. "Why you tabby?" Great question.

A while after I'd put Alyssa to bed she came running out to see me and I said, "How about you go get back into bed now?" and she jumped into my lap and said, "How about NO?"

She's full of them this morning too. Before school she informed me that my butt was upside down and as I put her into her carseat she said, "It tastes like a dirty muffin in here."

A bit of an update

Here's the scoop on what's going on here lately. We're all okay other than the same crummy cold and nasty cough that just keeps going around and around and around in our house.

Amanda has already started blaming me for everything that goes wrong in her life. I didn’t expect this to happen for a few years but apparently she’s very advanced in the highly emotional drama and angst department.

She'll say,“I wish I were in the early class instead of the late one.” I know, Sweetie but it was up to the teacher. I told her we could do either one and she decided. There’s nothing we can do about it now. “It’s all your fault.” Well no, it’s not really. “I’m going to blame it all on you anyway.” Okay.

And…

“I really want to go to the drive-in tonight, Mommy.” I know, Sweetie, I really wanted to go too but your Dad says no, so we’ll go another time, okay? “It’s all your fault.” But I’m the one who wanted to go in the first place. I’ve been trying to talk your Daddy into it all day. “I know, but you couldn’t. So it’s all your fault.” Okay.

Wow. What have I done to this kid? I told you she’s a teenager disguised as a five-year-old. I’m telling myself that she’s practicing the whole mad thing on me because she feels safe with me or something. Because it’s easier to tell myself that than to write a Dear Dr . Phil, I think I must be a bad mom. Can you help me? And while you're at it, can you come to my house and plant cameras everywhere so the entire world can see how inept I am at this mothering stuff instead of just the people reading my blog? letter.

Other than that, things are not too exciting. Though I have to admit there’s a lot of drama around getting dressed these days. And I'm not even talking about me. Because I'm not about to admit to the entire world wide web that I'm packing some extra pounds right now that are making it NOT FUN to get dressed. I'm talking about my little sweeties. Both of them. And I say that through my smiling gritted teeth.

Amanda is all about wanting to be a grown-up right now. Look like a grown-up, dress like a grown-up, act like a grown-up. All she wants to wear are jeans, a long sleeved t-shirt, preferably one of her three grown-up looking ones, a headband in her hair and pink sketchers on her feet. (The pics are of her in her "uniform".) Fine, whatever. But it's getting warmer. So I bought her these cute little denim capris. They’re JEANS only shorter. so I thought she’d love ‘em.

“I AM NOT WEARING THOSE THINGS! Those are BABY PANTS, Mommy.” When I pointed out to her that Kailani, Luciana and Ariella were all wearing baby pants that day she said, "Yeah well they can but I NEVER will." And the next day when her fashion diva friend, Holly, showed up in them I said, "OH! Look… Holly’s wearing baby pants! Doesn’t she look cute?”

“Yes Mom. They’re cute….ON HOLLY. But I’m never wearing those things!"

Alyssa, after going through a month or two of being satisfied to wear whatever dorky thing I put on her has returned to being extremely picky too. It seemed to start the day I decided to try on her Easter dress. Yes, in retrospect, that was a really stupid move. Considering all the trouble it has caused, what difference would it really have made if on Easter morning her pink sundress had turned out to be too big? Couldn't I have just scotch-taped it to her shoulders like any other decent mother and been done with it? OH NO. I had to be sure that it fit so I could buy a different size if not.

But Alyssa doesn't seem to understand the concept of "trying it on" yet. So after we put on her cute little dress and her cute little pink and green matching sandals and proclaimed her the cutest thing on the planet earth as she twirled around and around and around the living room, for some reason she did not want to take the dress off. She pitched a fit at just the mention of it. A BIG fit. She wanted to keep her pity dress on. PITY! PITY! I PITY!!!

Now she's all persnickety about everything she wears. “I hate this shirt!!!” she will say as she frantically tries to take it off twisting and turning as she tries to remove it as quickly as possible like it's burning her skin or something. “I hate this shirt, I hate these pants...”

Why the hate? Can't we crank it down a level? Hate is a pretty strong word. Especially for a harmless purple shirt that you loved only an hour ago.

Mostly all she wants to wear are pretty dresses. Apparently Amanda went through the same phase at this age because when I dragged out a box of Amanda's old warm weather clothes for Alyssa I was thrilled to see that we are now rolling in pretty dresses. No occasion is too small to get all dressed up. Going to pick up Amanda from school? Want pity dress. Going to the grocery store or Home Depot? Need pity dress! Going to bed? Can I sleep in my pity dress?

There's a whole lot of pity going on around here.

Oh and Shutterfly is featuring my "50 Reasons I Love You" scrapbook on their home page! How cool is that? Of course the first thing Scott wanted to know was, "How much are they paying you?" Umm, nothing. "Well what did you say to them?"

"I said, 'Thank you!'" 'cause how cool is that?

Do you love me?

Me: Do you love Mommy?
Alyssa: Umm, let me think about it.
(Pause)
Alyssa: Yeah, I love Mommy!

LET ME THINK ABOUT IT?!?

She's TWO.

What does she need to think about?

I love this last pic because it's just typical Alyssa. This is what I got when I asked her to look at me. Brat!

I lub you too

Alyssa is in this super-sweet-most-adorable-child-on-earth phase. To be sure of this, I just looked over at her as she’s napping next to me and noted that perhaps some would not find the snot-bubble blowing in and out of her nose adorable, exactly… but other than that she’s pretty cute. She’s very much into giving hugs and kisses and saying, “I lub you.” Not just saying it but often yelling it from room to room.

Here’s how it goes: I disappear from the room for more than three seconds. Alyssa cries out, “Mommy? Mommy? Mommmmmmmm-eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?” If she doesn’t hear me respond immediately (and I have that kind of voice that is so quiet even when I’m yelling, that NOBODY EVER SEEMS TO HEAR ME) she will reach the same level of complete hysteria as if, say, I have moved to another country without leaving a forwarding address and she’s never ever going to see me again. (I've thought about it but I wouldn't actually do it, okay?)

Me: “Yes Alyssa, I’m right here.”

Alyssa: Very matter of factly, completely hiding the terror in her voice just a second before: “I LUB YOU!”

Me: “I love you too!”

Alyssa: “Awwwwwwwww!”

The awwwww part gets me every time because that’s what I said the first three thousand times she caught me by surprise with an “I lub you.” Now she has claimed it as her own. So it appears she thinks it’s just the sweetest thing ever that I’ve said I love her. Mommy loves me. Awwwwwww…

Unfortunately it’s not just about me though. She loves everyone. All the expected people, like her sister, her dad, her grandparents and other family. But she also loves Bob, our next door neighbor. Random friends who she sees only occasionally, Amanda’s teacher, the cashier at the grocery store… She’d probably love the UPS man if he wouldn’t run back to his truck so quickly.

She’s also into giving tons of hugs and kisses and again, for a while there I thought it was all about me. Awwwwww, she loves her mommy… until I saw her kissing the wall in the hallway. Umm. Okay, this isn’t about me at all.

Why can’t it ever just be about ME?