The Great Gingerbread Village Fiasco of 2009

I was watching two of my friends' kids for a couple of days, so I had a total of five kids ranging from three to eight. Two of them were boys who aren't nearly as impressed with our Barbie collection as the girls usually are. At some point they cried boredom and what did I do? A saner person would have put a movie in the DVD player and pushed PLAY but what did Dione do? She said, “Who wants to build a gingerbread village!?!?!”

The words just came flying out of my mouth before I'd considered the consequences. I thought it would be easy actually. I thought it would be FUN! I had a kit after all. Five adorable little houses for five adorable little kids. FUN!

Five happy little voices were saying, “YAAAAAY!!!” and for that first glorious moment, I was thinking, I ROCK!

And then the fight broke out over who was gonna get which house. No problem. We'd draw numbers to see who got which house. Perfect! This was going to be FUN! Except for the adorable kid who got the stupid house they didn't want. But then, in an incredible act of generosity, adorable kid #2 offered to trade with adorable kid #1... unfortunately kid #2 got stuck with a house with broken pieces... and it went on and on like this. Nobody wanted to put their own house together, so I had five freaking adorable little houses to put together and five adorable children saying, “Make mine first, make mine first!!!”

When one of my friends called to say she was almost home and to let her know when to come pick up her daughter, I said, “Here's what I want you to do. Pull up in front of my house with the engine running... I'll jump in and you FLOOR IT!”

I then explained my gingerbread house insanity. I said, “We haven't even gotten to the decorating part yet but I know how it's gonna go. These kits... the box always says Lots of Icing and Candy but there never is. They don't factor in all the eating that goes on while the frazzled grown-up tries to get four walls to stick together and somehow hold up a roof. Five times. Pretty soon I'm gonna have five adorable kids completely wired on sugar trying to decorate five stupid, stupid adorable little houses and fighting over 14 gumdrops, six red hots and a candy cane to do it. What was I thinking?"My friend said, “I'm in front of your house. Come out here, I have something for you.”

Really? Hmm...Help had arrived. I went skipping out to her car wondering what she could possibly have for me. She started fishing around in her purse as I said, “Whatcha got for me? Ya got valium? Ya got prozac?”

She started laughing. “No, no... it's here, somewhere...”

“Whatcha got for me? Ya got vodka? Ya got a pitcher full of margaritas?”

“No. It's candy.”

“Candy? Oh chocolate? Okay it's not prozac but chocolate can solve a lot.”

“No, no, not chocolate,” she said, and then right before my eyes, she started pulling sealed packages of candy out of her purse. Not just any candy either. This candy was green, red and white. Candy that was born to live on a gingerbread house.

I said, "I swear to you, I'm not judging... But you have gingerbread house candy in your purse, why?"

She explained that a couple of days before she and her daughter had been to a gingerbread house decorating party and this was some of the leftover candy. She said, “Hold on, I think I've got frosting in here."

“Yeah umm. Seriously? Frosting in your purse? I love you. This just another prime example of why we're friends.”

She never did find the frosting. I know. Only a friend of mine could lose frosting in her purse. And it only made what happened twenty minutes later even more funny. I went back into the house to show off all the new candy. “Oh. But it's only to look at, adorable children! No eating!”

So then I went back to building five tiny little stupid houses while five adorable children dipped themselves in sprinkles. When my friend Wendy showed up to pick up Brandon and Jaden, I told her all about my gingerbread village fiasco and then added that you'll never believe what Beth showed up with, "Candy! And not just any candy. The woman was pulling gingerbread-house-decorating-candy out of her purse. Seriously. She even thought she had frosting. Only my friends. Can you imagine?”Of course Wendy responded, “Oh... do you need frosting? Hold on a sec.”

She then went out to her car and popped open her trunk as I stood there, with a you have got to be freakin' kidding me look on my face and, I kid you not, the woman started pulling tubes of frosting out of her trunk. And not just frosting, but a vast assortment of Christmas themed decorative toppings...

“Really? You just happened to have this stuff in your trunk, Wendy?”

She explained that one of the activities at her office party that day had been sugar cookie decorating. They had a lot of stuff left over.

As I watched Wendy drive away, and waved good-bye to Brandon and Jaden, I stood there on my porch, admiring the twinkling lights decorating my neighbors' houses, basking in my own personal Christmas miracle moment. Thinking how lucky I am to have exactly the right friends and family for ME. Always there with exactly the right thing at exactly the right moment. I felt extremely blessed. Then I went back inside and smiled at the three adorable children who remained. Admired the lights on my tree which sat in the midst of my lovely house which looked as though it had been ransacked by angry monkeys.

I smiled at the glittering beauty of my dining room floor, which appeared to be covered with freshly fallen snow... sticky green & red snow, to be exact. I admired the hot pink frosting in my seven year-old's hair and I pried the gummy bears out of my four year old's sticky little hands. I remembered that my adorable husband would be home at any moment and that I had absolutely no clue what we were having for dinner.And I thought to myself that as incredibly lucky as I am to have the friends and family that I have, there's still an opening for a friend who carries a cleaning crew in her van... and one who delivers take-out. Plus I really wouldn't mind that vodka/prozac friend. Email me. PLEASE.

Merry Christmas!

I promised a couple of people that I would post our holiday letter and I'm finally getting around to it. Yes, I'm totally back-dating it because there's just something that feels really wrong about posting a Christmas letter in February. Please note that the actual letter did go out in December.

The T*** 2008 Holiday Toy Catalog

Thank you for requesting this year’s T*** Holiday Toy Catalog. As you are well aware, times are tight. In order to cut our production costs, we have reduced our product line to only our five best-selling items. Remember: Order by December 24 to ensure arrival in time for Christmas!

Little Alyssa Doll - Not a Baby Anymore Version - She laughs! She cries! She scales tall furniture and swings from curtains! Push the button to hear one of 30 phrases, including: “No!” “That’s mine!” “You’re never gonna believe this!” and “I hate time-outs!” She comes with 12 baby dolls and a permanent marker to draw on your furniture. Also included are six purses, five outfits including: polka dot footy pajamas, a Dorothy costume, a ballet tutu, and a princess dress with tiara, plus seventeen pairs of shoes (though she will insist on wearing the sparkly red ones at all times). NOTE: Clothing must be changed hourly. Because of customer complaints, this version does not include the “wet diaper” feature. Instead, she comes complete with big girl panties and 47 rolls of toilet paper which she will unroll on your floor in eight seconds flat! No batteries required, simply wind her up once and she will run FOREVER. Sorry, no “off” switch or volume control.

Big Girl Amanda Doll – Your little one won’t be able to put this one down. She can read! She can write! She loves to sing and dance! She comes complete with glitter, sequins, glue and six zillion other craft supplies that she will use to decorate anything that will stand still. We’ve cut eleven inches of hair off of this year’s version! Push a button and she will say, “Can I have candy?” “Eww, I’m not eating this!” or one of 638 stories she has made up to entertain you. A fun bonus feature is that she will occasionally repeat: “I’m bored!” and “I’m hungry!” on an endless loop no matter how well fed or entertained she is. Place her near Little Alyssa Doll and she will whine, “Mommy, she’s bugging me AGAIN.” She comes with a complete wardrobe but she will refuse to wear most of it because it’s boring. No batteries required! Just feed her a steady diet of hamburgers and candy and she will run and run.

Stay-at-home Mommy Dione Doll – She comes with a camera stuck to her face to capture priceless memories and a laptop so she can keep in touch with friends and family. She’s room mom for Big Girl Amanda Doll’s first grade class, which means she can work magic with popsicle sticks and glue. She whips out Shutterfly photo books at an alarming rate, which may explain why she is so bad at keeping her blog: http://dionesdays.blogspot.com/ up to date. Push a button and she says one of 15 phrases including: “Can we please lower the volume?” “Put your clothes back on Alyssa!” and “I’m gonna count to three and if you don’t climb down from there, you’re getting a time-out!” She runs in circles looking for her keys while chanting like a crazy lady and you’ll be happy to learn that this year’s version has her head permanently attached so she can’t lose it. You’ll want to buy lots of extra batteries for this one because spending all day with Little Alyssa Doll wears her out quickly!

The Daddy Scott Action Figure – This version comes with a broken hand and a cranky attitude. Push the button and he will say: “I hate my job!” “I hate Christmas!” “Where’s the remote?” and “If you put your keys away you’ll always know where they are.” He enjoys tormenting Little Alyssa Doll, Big Girl Amanda Doll and especially Stay-at-home Mommy Dione Doll. It is nearly impossible to separate him from his TV, his blackberry or his cell phone. He knows EVERYTHING! He spouts financial advice whether you want it or not. He comes with a motorcycle he rarely rides, a set of golf clubs he whips out occasionally and an X-box which can turn him into a guitar hero-playing superstar in his own living room. For only an extra $5 you can get The Bad-Ass Daddy Scott Action Figure which also includes a B-B gun just in case Whiskers the Cat (currently unavailable) drags a rat into your kitchen. Guaranteed to shoot the rat dead in four shots or less!

The T*** “So they call this a dream house?” House – Due to a major decluttering-mission, this version comes with 60% less stuff than last year’s so we can’t understand why it’s still a mess much of the time! There’s finally room in the garage to park the Deluxe Eurovan (currently unavailable in the U.S.) so the whole family can go camping! Due to endless complaints about the hideous carpet and unsightly master bedroom furniture that came with all earlier versions, you’ll be thrilled to learn that the 2008 version comes with all new carpet and brand new bedroom furniture. The crib and changing table from last year’s version have been replaced by a tall loft bed that nobody will sleep in but the height allows Little Alyssa Doll to reach the ceiling fan with ease. (Wheeeeeee!)

Ordering information: Orders may be sent via snail mail to (our address), via email to d_***@sbcglobal.net or by phone at (our phone number). If you’re in the area please visit our outlet store! (Please call first so Stay-at-home Mommy Dione Doll has time to clean up The T*** “So they call this a dream house?” House and change out of her sweat pants.)

The Christmas Report

Though our house is even more of a disaster than usual, we're still totally in the Christmas spirit around here. Well at least the girls and I are. Can't speak for Scott who has sometimes been confused with the Grinch in years past. He's at least going along with it as much as he can stand. A couple of nights ago, after the girls had their baths and were in their jammies, I filled their sippy cups with hot chocolate, dragged out the Nat King Cole Christmas CD and we were going to drive around to look at the lights. Scott decided to go with us! I was thrilled but said, "You're not going to rush us are you?" and he said "No! How 'bout we go out for 15 minutes and then come back?" Ummm... are you kidding? He wasn't. He was a great sport and lasted quite a while. Just as he was about to overdose we dropped him off back at the house and drove around a bit longer.

Some of you know that last year I was all excited about starting a new Gingerbread House tradition. That was before I'd actually made a Gingerbread House. It seemed like the kind of thing I would like until I actually tried it with two small children as helpers. It was one of those kits too, so it should have been easy but it wasn't. I've blocked out most of the ugly details but I do remember mumbling, NEVER AGAIN to myself pretty much the whole time.

Last weekend Scott and Alyssa went to a party while Amanda and I stayed home (Amanda had been sick and we didn't want to expose the whole party to cooties). Amanda was horribly disappointed about missing the party so when I spotted the gingerbread house kit at the grocery store I grabbed it and we had our own little party which included making a gingerbread house. In the spirit of embracing imperfection I told her she was in charge and could do absolutely anything she wanted. At the grocery store this sweet old lady saw the kit in my cart and started talking about how neat it was. She said a relative had made several of them as gifts and that most of them have lasted five years. She said the secret was keeping them in a cool dry place. I told her I have two small children and I’d be happy if ours lasted five minutes.

So Amanda and I actually had fun making our house. I let her do her own thing. Didn't say a word when she decided to use every single piece of yellow candy all in one spot. Right now I'm still feeling really positive about the whole Gingerbread House thing, but Monday I'm going to school and helping Amanda's class bake gingerbread and Tuesday they're building houses. So we'll see if I return to my NEVER AGAIN thinking after that.

We went to visit Santa last week too. Some of you may know that I have a weird fear of the whole "Mall Santa experience" but last week we braved it...and in the short version, let's just say that Santa obviously got the job because of his realistic white hair and beard and not for his charming personality. He called Alyssa "Booger Baby" after she put her finger in her nose. Alyssa then refused to sit on his lap to which Santa said, "What? Are you mad at me ‘cause I called you "Booger Baby?" That's when Alyssa scowled at him and said, "I HATE Santa," and there was no way she was going to sit on his lap. So now we've done it. We’ve pissed off Santa and I have no idea if Amanda will be getting her guitar (the only thing she asked for) or if Alyssa will be getting her baby doll. If it's up to me Santa's not getting any cookies and milk at our house and I may write an angry letter to Mrs. Claus. Call my kid, "Booger Baby"... Bah Humbug...

My Goofy Girls

These definitely aren't the best pictures but they make me smile every time I look at them. Hope they make you happy too. Merry Christmas!

Christmas Magic

It was two days before Christmas when I decided I couldn't put it off any longer…it was time to head to the mall to see Santa. Amanda has seen Santa every year but never at the mall. We saw him at PeopleSoft parties her first two years and then at Disneyland last year. It's not Santa Claus that scares me, because I love Santa. It's the thought of standing in a really long line with an impatient three year-old and all those other impatient children that completely terrifies me.

Scott tried to talk me out of it. He figures Amanda is so young that she wouldn't care or notice that she hadn't seen Santa. But I can't help thinking that they're little for such a very short time and it's our job as their parents to cram as much magic and wonder into these years as we possibly can.

So we were at the end of a very long Santa line when Scott went off to do some research. After talking to several other frazzled parents, he determined that the wait from where we were standing would be at least two hours plus Santa would be taking a lunch break. How long does it take Santa to eat anyway? So we were probably facing about a three-hour wait. That's like six years in Amanda time. If it had just been Amanda and I, I probably would have braved it, but Scott was with me and I had a two-month-old strapped to my chest. I was afraid things could get ugly.

We'd been chatting with the family ahead of us in line and they were debating the idea of leaving too. They mentioned that they'd heard Santa was going to be out in front of a house in our area later that night. As the woman tried to explain to us where the house was, we realized it was probably the same house Amanda and I had visited last weekend, the one I talked about in my Holiday Lights story below. That sort of clinched it for me because I already knew there was something magical about that house.

Amanda was not happy that we weren't staying to see Santa. Let's just say that there were tears involved and that I was glad we were near an exit. She did calm down once we promised her that we would be going to see Santa later that night. But even as I promised her, in the back of my mind I kept thinking, what if he's not there?

The later it got, the more nervous I got. The weather was pretty crummy and I was afraid Santa might not show up if it rained. I told Amanda several times that there was a possibility that Santa wouldn't be there. You know, if there was some kind of emergency at the North Pole for instance. But I was really hoping.

Unfortunately when we drove up to the house about ten minutes after we'd heard he was supposed to arrive, Santa was nowhere in sight. We drove around the neighborhood for a while thinking maybe Santa was at some other house, but we didn't see him anywhere. We drove back to that same house, still hoping, but no Santa.

Finally I had to tell Amanda that we weren't going to see Santa Claus. She started to cry and I couldn't blame her because I wanted to cry too. I felt like I'd totally blown it as a parent. So much for magic and wonder. I reminded her that she had written a letter to Santa so he knew what she wanted for Christmas and that she'd been a good girl so everything was under control. But that didn't help much.

I was quickly trying to come up with a consolation prize and in the meantime I said, "Hey, let's get out and go look at the lights. We can take some pictures!" I was secretly hoping that maybe Santa was hiding inside and might come out if he saw us out there.

As luck would have it, a man came out of the house but he wasn't wearing a red suit. He appeared to be in a hurry, running back and forth to his truck but I quickly told him that his decorations were beautiful and asked him if it was okay if we took some pictures. He was incredibly nice and said absolutely… that's what they were there for, for people to enjoy. He said it was too bad we hadn't come the night before because Santa had been there.

Acch! It was official. We missed him!!! I said, "Oh! Too bad. We heard he was supposed to be here tonight."

When he was sure that Amanda wouldn't be able to hear, he said that unfortunately he had to be somewhere in 15 minutes, he had a party to go to, or otherwise maybe he would be able to help. It seemed that a visit with Santa was just not in our future. I pretended to be cheerful and said, "Oh, no problem!" Thanked him again and told him that would enjoy the lights and he went back into his house.

A few minutes later, the man came out of his house again and asked me how much time we had. All the time in the world, of course. He said, "Well if you can wait about 15 minutes, Santa will be here."

That was the second time in less than a week that I found myself trying not to cry in front of this house. I was incredibly moved that he would take the time to do this for a total stranger when he clearly had other places to go. What a great guy! I can only assume that while he should have been getting ready to leave for his party, he instead went inside and gave Santa Claus a call and convinced him to make a special appearance just for Amanda! Wasn't that sweet? Have no fear, there are still good people in this world!

Before we knew it, Santa arrived. The details of the visit are a little blurry because I turned into a total goofball as soon as he showed up. I swear I felt like I was five again. I was giddy… Santa! I had to keep reminding myself that I was the parent so I didn't fall all over myself. I do know that Santa asked Amanda what she wanted for Christmas and she said a baby doll that cries real tears. (Yep, I know… we have a real live baby that cries real live tears, but she wants one with an on/off switch.) I tried to take a few pictures of her and Santa. Most of them are blurry, but I love them anyway. Thank you Santa for making a little girl's (and her Mommy's) Christmas very, very special. This will always be one of my very favorite Christmas memories.

Happy Holidays to everyone!

Holiday lights

I took Amanda for a drive last night to look at the Christmas…err Holiday... lights. Scott asked me to pick up dinner while we were out because I think the thought of taking a drive just to take a drive was probably painful for him... but anyway it was so cool checking out the lights with her. We're definitely adding the Holiday Lights Drive as a new tradition.

Scott told me about a house that really went all out with the decorations this year so we headed in that direction. It wasn't the Arlington from my childhood, but I figure for Amanda it was. So we got out of the car to take a closer look. We were the only ones out there and I, being my mother's daughter, was a little paranoid, imagining the news headlines: Mother and young daughter blugeoned to death while enjoying holiday light display.

But, hard as I tried, I couldn't talk Amanda back into the car because she was slowly taking in each and every decoration as if it were simply the most wonderful thing she had ever seen. Look at the elves on the teeter-totter! Look at the reindeer, they're dancing! There's Baby Jesus! They have three wisemen just like we do!

So I decided to make the best of it and forced myself to step out of my uptight it's cold and raining and we could get killed out here parent role and tried to imagine how the scene must look from Amanda's point-of-view and you know what? It was really beautiful... miraculous and completely magical, as a matter of fact, you know with the Christmas carols playing and Baby Jesus sharing space with the elves. God was in his heaven, Santa was on the roof and all was right with the world.

For a moment I actually tried to figure out how I could talk Scott into getting an over-the-top display for our own front lawn to spread the joy a little. Only for a moment because we all know that would so NEVER happen. Just imagine our PG&E bill. And instead of Christmas carols there would be the joyful sound of Scott swearing about all the jerks parked in front of our house.

But that's okay because a couple of weeks ago we happened to pull into our driveway while the guy across the street was setting up a small and very tasteful display on his front lawn (they're a young couple with no kids). He told Amanda that she'd be able to see the lights from our window and he seemed really happy about that, which I thought was sweet.

A couple of days ago while doing the "Amanda Interview," (hopefully another new annual tradition at our house) I asked Amanda, "Who are your favorite people in the whole wide world?" Her response: "Brian, Roony, and Grandma." I (determined not to sway her answers in any way, of course), asked, "What about Mommy & Daddy? We don't even make the long list?"

She said, "Yeah they're my favorite people too. Oh. And the guy across the street."

I couldn't figure which guy she was talking about until she finally explained, "You know, the guy who put up the reindeer for me." Oh right, him.

So anyway, the Holiday Lights Drive was a success and apparently it made quite the impression on Amanda too. Just a minute ago I asked her, "What was your favorite thing about going to see the Christmas lights last night?" and she enthusiastically responded,"What Christmas lights???"

Little People in a Manger

The newest addition to our Christmas decorations can be seen at left: the Fisher Price Little People Deluxe Christmas story.

We had a nativity scene at our house when I was growing up. My grandma had several. My aunt has collected them from her travels all over the world and I swear she has so many that there seems to be one on every flat surface of her house. Even her washer and dryer hold manger scenes. I'm not kidding.

We only have one nativity set, the Little People one, because as much as I enjoyed looking at these scenes when I was a kid, there also seemed to be something cruel about them... All of those little dolls and animals that I wasn't allowed to play with. Man I hate myself every time I utter those words that I hated so badly as a child: Don't touch, just look. So as soon as I saw this set, I knew we had to have it.

I stole the picture above from the Fisher Price website. Ours looks just like that, of course. Well in the Martha Stewarty portion of my brain I imagine that ours looks just like that. Except at our house all the Little People sets get mixed together and played with at the same time.

So at our house, sometimes Mary and Joseph drive a hot-pink minivan and sometimes the policeman rides a camel. One of our wisemen (the one pictured front and center) is a woman. Amanda swears it and she's probably right. We're all for equal rights at our house. Our wisemen don't come bearing gold, frankincense and myrrh either. Our wisemen come bearing pennies, spaghetti and pork. I have no idea where Amanda came up with that but I like to think she just has some natural womanly instinct for gift-giving. Somehow she knows that what new parents really need is a lot of money and a hot meal every now and then.

Santa Baby