Merry Christmas!

I promised a couple of people that I would post our holiday letter and I'm finally getting around to it. Yes, I'm totally back-dating it because there's just something that feels really wrong about posting a Christmas letter in February. Please note that the actual letter did go out in December.

The T*** 2008 Holiday Toy Catalog

Thank you for requesting this year’s T*** Holiday Toy Catalog. As you are well aware, times are tight. In order to cut our production costs, we have reduced our product line to only our five best-selling items. Remember: Order by December 24 to ensure arrival in time for Christmas!

Little Alyssa Doll - Not a Baby Anymore Version - She laughs! She cries! She scales tall furniture and swings from curtains! Push the button to hear one of 30 phrases, including: “No!” “That’s mine!” “You’re never gonna believe this!” and “I hate time-outs!” She comes with 12 baby dolls and a permanent marker to draw on your furniture. Also included are six purses, five outfits including: polka dot footy pajamas, a Dorothy costume, a ballet tutu, and a princess dress with tiara, plus seventeen pairs of shoes (though she will insist on wearing the sparkly red ones at all times). NOTE: Clothing must be changed hourly. Because of customer complaints, this version does not include the “wet diaper” feature. Instead, she comes complete with big girl panties and 47 rolls of toilet paper which she will unroll on your floor in eight seconds flat! No batteries required, simply wind her up once and she will run FOREVER. Sorry, no “off” switch or volume control.

Big Girl Amanda Doll – Your little one won’t be able to put this one down. She can read! She can write! She loves to sing and dance! She comes complete with glitter, sequins, glue and six zillion other craft supplies that she will use to decorate anything that will stand still. We’ve cut eleven inches of hair off of this year’s version! Push a button and she will say, “Can I have candy?” “Eww, I’m not eating this!” or one of 638 stories she has made up to entertain you. A fun bonus feature is that she will occasionally repeat: “I’m bored!” and “I’m hungry!” on an endless loop no matter how well fed or entertained she is. Place her near Little Alyssa Doll and she will whine, “Mommy, she’s bugging me AGAIN.” She comes with a complete wardrobe but she will refuse to wear most of it because it’s boring. No batteries required! Just feed her a steady diet of hamburgers and candy and she will run and run.

Stay-at-home Mommy Dione Doll – She comes with a camera stuck to her face to capture priceless memories and a laptop so she can keep in touch with friends and family. She’s room mom for Big Girl Amanda Doll’s first grade class, which means she can work magic with popsicle sticks and glue. She whips out Shutterfly photo books at an alarming rate, which may explain why she is so bad at keeping her blog: http://dionesdays.blogspot.com/ up to date. Push a button and she says one of 15 phrases including: “Can we please lower the volume?” “Put your clothes back on Alyssa!” and “I’m gonna count to three and if you don’t climb down from there, you’re getting a time-out!” She runs in circles looking for her keys while chanting like a crazy lady and you’ll be happy to learn that this year’s version has her head permanently attached so she can’t lose it. You’ll want to buy lots of extra batteries for this one because spending all day with Little Alyssa Doll wears her out quickly!

The Daddy Scott Action Figure – This version comes with a broken hand and a cranky attitude. Push the button and he will say: “I hate my job!” “I hate Christmas!” “Where’s the remote?” and “If you put your keys away you’ll always know where they are.” He enjoys tormenting Little Alyssa Doll, Big Girl Amanda Doll and especially Stay-at-home Mommy Dione Doll. It is nearly impossible to separate him from his TV, his blackberry or his cell phone. He knows EVERYTHING! He spouts financial advice whether you want it or not. He comes with a motorcycle he rarely rides, a set of golf clubs he whips out occasionally and an X-box which can turn him into a guitar hero-playing superstar in his own living room. For only an extra $5 you can get The Bad-Ass Daddy Scott Action Figure which also includes a B-B gun just in case Whiskers the Cat (currently unavailable) drags a rat into your kitchen. Guaranteed to shoot the rat dead in four shots or less!

The T*** “So they call this a dream house?” House – Due to a major decluttering-mission, this version comes with 60% less stuff than last year’s so we can’t understand why it’s still a mess much of the time! There’s finally room in the garage to park the Deluxe Eurovan (currently unavailable in the U.S.) so the whole family can go camping! Due to endless complaints about the hideous carpet and unsightly master bedroom furniture that came with all earlier versions, you’ll be thrilled to learn that the 2008 version comes with all new carpet and brand new bedroom furniture. The crib and changing table from last year’s version have been replaced by a tall loft bed that nobody will sleep in but the height allows Little Alyssa Doll to reach the ceiling fan with ease. (Wheeeeeee!)

Ordering information: Orders may be sent via snail mail to (our address), via email to d_***@sbcglobal.net or by phone at (our phone number). If you’re in the area please visit our outlet store! (Please call first so Stay-at-home Mommy Dione Doll has time to clean up The T*** “So they call this a dream house?” House and change out of her sweat pants.)